Let me let you in on a well-kept secret… So well-kept that I went ~24 years without telling anyone. Until a few months ago, when I told my fiance.
I dislike sex.
I simply get no real pleasure out of it! I can get turned on, and “wet,” and yet, it never amounts to anything. In fact, I get bored within the first few minutes. As such, I tend to cut the foreplay early and get right down to business, simply to speed up the process a bit. But even then, I do not think that I’ve ever really experienced an orgasm with a partner.
So, I began thinking,
Am I asexual?
The answer, after I did a bit of research, is maybe. For so long, I have felt broken and isolated because I didn’t get this thing that was supposed to be the most amazing act a person could do. I’ve masturbated, given/received oral sex, and had full-blown vaginal sex. I’ve found men to be almost unbearably hot, gotten turned on by some events, and yet, I still felt alone. Sex didn’t really do anything for me. I am able to orgasm (at least I think…) when I masturbate, but never with another person. But even then, it’s almost not worth my time and effort, it just seems pointless.
So, let’s break down some characteristics that may label me as asexual:
- I can be sex-free for years, and be totally fine. Great, actually
- I am disinterested in sex (goes along with #1)
- I rarely experience sexual attraction (though this is not to say that I don’t experience romantic attraction!)
- I have sex because it’s what I feel I am supposed to do
- When I’ve had sex, it’s been less than fun
I think that I will start identifying as asexual, because I feel like I fit into this category… And it gives me something to hold on to. I no longer have to feel broken or alone, because there are others like me out there. In fact, one source tells me that every 1 out of 10 people in the world are asexual, and that may be a very modest statistic (meaning there could be more!).
But just because I’m asexual does not mean that I am not romantic.
I love my fiance. He is my other half and I would do anything for him. I can feel love and attraction and all those emotions as strongly as any sexual person. I simply do not mix love and sex, as sexual people do. As my fiance does.
In fact, that is why I finally broke my 2-and-a-half-decade long secret, and fessed up to him. He began to fear that I didn’t love him, or that I was cheating on him, because I never wanted to have sex. I had to tell him the truth, to at least try to get him to understand. But I don’t think it worked.
We now have a schedule for sex: the first Saturday of every month. He believes that sex is a meaningful part of a relationship, and without it, he could not remain in a relationship… Me, I would much rather prefer to never have sex and instead experience intimacy in other ways. Admittedly, I may also carry some other baggage with sex, rather than just my asexuality… I bring my rape also to the bed, and I think that always scares me. Not only am I asexual, but I fear sex and its smells, touches, and memories. It’s a double whammy, and even though I’ve tried to explain it to J, he just doesn’t get it. Just as I don’t understand how he feels sex is a necessity.
Can an Asexual and a Sexual have a healthy and lasting relationship?
I guess we will find out. So far, the schedule has been satiating J, and I have simply been suffering through it. But how much more can I take before I break? And he has already talked about upping the frequency… What happens when I can’t give him what he wants? What he needs? Is it my responsibility to attend to his needs, as a committed partner in this relationship?
If you are interested in learning more about Asexuality, I recommend checking out asexuality.org. That is also where I got my facts and statistics from for this post.
If anyone has any tips or experiences with asexuality, please let me know in the comments!
Rape and Relationships 