So, the other night, I was starting to get frisky with my fiance. I completely trust him and we have been intimate before, many times. But something was wrong this time, and I am not quite sure what it was…
So, while we were making out in bed, I all of a sudden just stopped enjoying it. I wasn’t in the mood anymore, for no reason at all. But, I just waived that thought away and my silly feelings, and continued our make out session. His hands began roaming over my body, and when they got to one of my boobs, I panicked. I accidentally bit down–hard–on his tongue, pushed him away, and tried to say something that ended up just coming out as an uneasy laugh. What happened? Why did I suddenly freak out just out of the blue? We hadn’t even gotten close to doing the deed, or even undressing, and yet I felt trapped and scared and a slew of other emotions that I can’t name.
Obviously, that was the end of that for the night, and my fiance was hurt. Both physically and emotionally. He blamed himself and I could practically feel the waves of guilt crashing over him as we lay next to each other in bed. And that’s not counting my own feelings of guilt as I, once again, refused him sex.
How can I get over these weird, random little panic attacks? I barely ever have them, but when I do, I feel awful. I hate them and I hate that they are straining my relationship. J wants me to go see a sex counselor, but of course those cost money, and would it even work? Has anyone gone to one before?
I just feel so alone and stupid. Why can’t I just enjoy a nice, intimate moment with my fiance, whom I love desperately?
Rape and Relationships 
Trauma has long-lasting effects. It is not at all surprising that as a child victim of repeated rape you would retain scars from that experience. Be cautious, however, about your choice of therapist (sexual or otherwise). Not all address the root causes of such sexual difficulties. Sharing your history w/ your fiance (and explaining that he was not at fault) will go a long way toward soothing his hurt feelings.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the advice 🙂 we’ve talked about it, but I don’t think he really understands it, as much as he tries to
LikeLike
To really understand what you have been through, your fiance will have to educate himself about sexual abuse. There are countless articles online, as well as publications. You might try the library for a start. Your brain was actually rewired by the trauma. Those memories have not been fully processed. So your body is still trying to “defend” against the trauma you experienced as a child. Certain sights, sounds, aromas, tastes, and sensations will trigger painful memories. But w/ time, patience, and tenderness the mind/body is capable of healing itself. You may want to investigate EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which can be useful in dealing w/ PTSD and requires less time than “talk” therapy, but can also be used in conjunction w/ it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh interesting, I’ve never heard of EMDR before, I’ll definitely research that! Thank you so much
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well I can tell you this is your normal as I’ve had this within a loving relationship so I’d just say that go easy on yourself and it will wane and then improve and as long as you and he understand then over time your emotional bond will improve and in turn your sexual relationship – it’s about trust and reesyablizhing that connection – it’s your normal and it’s perfectly ok Hun x
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you! I’m happy (selfishly) to see that I’m not the only one who is or has dealt with this. Now I can look forward to a promising future and spend my time less on worrying and more on helping myself and my fiance
LikeLiked by 1 person
In short flow like water. If you look at the millions of allegedly loving marriages these people often have far more hidden issues whereas after rape you have the benefit of a more real honest relationship than many others do not. Look at perspective I say
LikeLiked by 1 person
That actually is a good perspective. Glass half full kind of perspective. At least I can work on my issue head on since I know exactly what it is!
LikeLiked by 1 person