Asexuality

Let me let you in on a well-kept secret… So well-kept that I went ~24 years without telling anyone. Until a few months ago, when I told my fiance.

I dislike sex.

I simply get no real pleasure out of it! I can get turned on, and “wet,” and yet, it never amounts to anything. In fact, I get bored within the first few minutes. As such, I tend to cut the foreplay early and get right down to business, simply to speed up the process a bit. But even then, I do not think that I’ve ever really experienced an orgasm with a partner.

So, I began thinking,

Am I asexual?

The answer, after I did a bit of research, is maybe. For so long, I have felt broken and isolated because I didn’t get this thing that was supposed to be the most amazing act a person could do. I’ve masturbated, given/received oral sex, and had full-blown vaginal sex. I’ve found men to be almost unbearably hot, gotten turned on by some events, and yet, I still felt alone. Sex didn’t really do anything for me. I am able to orgasm (at least I think…) when I masturbate, but never with another person. But even then, it’s almost not worth my time and effort, it just seems pointless.

So, let’s break down some characteristics that may label me as asexual:

I can be sex-free for years, and be totally fine. Great, actually
I am disinterested in sex (goes along with #1)
I rarely experience sexual attraction (though this is not to say that I don’t experience romantic attraction!)
I have sex because it’s what I feel I am supposed to do
When I’ve had sex, it’s been less than fun

I think that I will start identifying as asexual, because I feel like I fit into this category… And it gives me something to hold on to. I no longer have to feel broken or alone, because there are others like me out there. In fact, one source tells me that every 1 out of 10 people in the world are asexual, and that may be a very modest statistic (meaning there could be more!).

But just because I’m asexual does not mean that I am not romantic.

I love my fiance. He is my other half and I would do anything for him. I can feel love and attraction and all those emotions as strongly as any sexual person. I simply do not mix love and sex, as sexual people do. As my fiance does.

In fact, that is why I finally broke my 2-and-a-half-decade long secret, and fessed up to him. He began to fear that I didn’t love him, or that I was cheating on him, because I never wanted to have sex. I had to tell him the truth, to at least try to get him to understand. But I don’t think it worked.

We now have a schedule for sex: the first Saturday of every month. He believes that sex is a meaningful part of a relationship, and without it, he could not remain in a relationship… Me, I would much rather prefer to never have sex and instead experience intimacy in other ways. Admittedly, I may also carry some other baggage with sex, rather than just my asexuality… I bring my rape also to the bed, and I think that always scares me. Not only am I asexual, but I fear sex and its smells, touches, and memories. It’s a double whammy, and even though I’ve tried to explain it to J, he just doesn’t get it. Just as I don’t understand how he feels sex is a necessity.

Can an Asexual and a Sexual have a healthy and lasting relationship?

I guess we will find out. So far, the schedule has been satiating J, and I have simply been suffering through it. But how much more can I take before I break? And he has already talked about upping the frequency… What happens when I can’t give him what he wants? What he needs? Is it my responsibility to attend to his needs, as a committed partner in this relationship?

If you are interested in learning more about Asexuality, I recommend checking out asexuality.org. That is also where I got my facts and statistics from for this post.

If anyone has any tips or experiences with asexuality, please let me know in the comments!

Random Panic Attack

So, the other night, I was starting to get frisky with my fiance. I completely trust him and we have been intimate before, many times. But something was wrong this time, and I am not quite sure what it was…

So, while we were making out in bed, I all of a sudden just stopped enjoying it. I wasn’t in the mood anymore, for no reason at all. But, I just waived that thought away and my silly feelings, and continued our make out session. His hands began roaming over my body, and when they got to one of my boobs, I panicked. I accidentally bit down–hard–on his tongue, pushed him away, and tried to say something that ended up just coming out as an uneasy laugh. What happened? Why did I suddenly freak out just out of the blue? We hadn’t even gotten close to doing the deed, or even undressing, and yet I felt trapped and scared and a slew of other emotions that I can’t name.

Obviously, that was the end of that for the night, and my fiance was hurt. Both physically and emotionally. He blamed himself and I could practically feel the waves of guilt crashing over him as we lay next to each other in bed. And that’s not counting my own feelings of guilt as I, once again, refused him sex.

How can I get over these weird, random little panic attacks? I barely ever have them, but when I do, I feel awful. I hate them and I hate that they are straining my relationship. J wants me to go see a sex counselor, but of course those cost money, and would it even work? Has anyone gone to one before?

I just feel so alone and stupid. Why can’t I just enjoy a nice, intimate moment with my fiance, whom I love desperately?

The Question

My first boyfriend and I dated from sophomore year to senior year of high school. The beginning of the end happened on my 18th birthday, when I found some text messages on his phone of him flirting with another girl, making plans for a date later that day. He never actually cheated on me, but he said that he had been entertaining the idea for some time, and if I hadn’t found those messages, he probably would have gone through with it that day.

One thing that really irritated me with our relationship was that all he ever wanted to do was have sex. Even after we broke up (a few months after the text message incident), he kept calling me and texting me (especially while drunk), all for sex. He tried to use my hurt and love for him (because I did still love him, for years after) to guilt/bribe me into it.

Here’s a poem I wrote my senior year of high school during all of this, trying to work out my feelings.

The Question

All you do is blink and stutter

Can’t you see we’re now in the gutter?

No longer can I live with your lies and deceits

I won’t lie with you between your sheets

The blank face, those clear eyes

You seemed like such an innocent guy

But everything was covered with a mask

Now you’ve opened up along with the flask

The pulling, the tugging, it never ends

The same question again and again

When will you learn I mean what I say?

Stop trying to bend my words a new way

No means no and that’s all to know,

Please, I’m begging you—just go.

Inspired by the Mysteries of Harris Burdick: Archie Smith, Boy Wonder

A tiny voice asked, “Is he the one?”

Wanda had been searching high and low for this boy—if he was truly the one. From worlds full of giant green mountains, to those of fiery red infernos spouting out of crevices within rocks, even to worlds of utter darkness, no light ever crossing their paths. Finally, she had traveled into this world, this Earth, as these native beings called it. She thought that she was no longer able to be surprised, but this world taught her otherwise; it was simply a kaleidoscope of color! Never before had she seen so many different hues in so many places, all coming together as if dancing to the sway of this planet’s turning. And the creatures! They too wore many different shades, no one being exactly the same as another.

Her luminescent presence thrummed as she looked around at herself and Cosmo. They gave off a unique vibration, one that only they in their entire world—all the worlds for that matter—could claim. They were soul mates. So how could these Earthen creatures even find their match if none were the same? Were they destined to an existence of halfness? It was a fate Wanda would never have wished on anyone… Even the horrendous beings from the world devoid of all light. She shivered at the thought. She was glad her mission brought her far away from that evil place.

Another tiny voice, so alike to her own, brought her out of her musings. “He fits the description; high-vibrations, young in soul and body… There is only one way to find out for sure, though.” Cosmo was the more practical of the two faeries.

“And what if it is not him?” Wanda asked softly.

Cosmo could feel the tremor within his other half’s presence, could see her light beginning to dim. He understood her hesitation, her fear. That last world had almost sucked their own light from them… Something even the oldest of the faeries had never known possible. Something that could take a faerie’s life force so easily? It was inconceivable! And yet, they had been forced to believe. They had had to leave quickly, too quickly to truly search the place for the one that they had been sent to find. The one to bind them all together. The Prophesied One. The only one who could link the worlds and save them all before utter desolation.

“Then we will continue our journey until we find him.” Cosmo said, with much more conviction than he felt. He knew Wanda would see through his farce, but it would ease her worries—if only slightly—all the same.

“Okay,” Wanda said, gathering her light around her like a cloak. “Let us wake him.”

I wrote this short story after reading about The Mysteries of Harris Burdick. He was apparently an author and illustrator, looking to publish his children’s book. He showed up to a meeting with a publisher, armed with one picture (and a caption for each) for each of his 14 short stories. The publisher was intrigued, and Burdick claimed that he would be back with the rest of the pictures and his manuscripts… But he was never heard nor seen from again. Now, we can only imagine what stories these pictures had evoked from such a man. I have found inspiration in this one picture of his (as well as many others, which I will probably post at some point in the future!), and wanted to share it with you all.

If you are interested in learning more about Harris Burdick or seeing more of his pictures/captions, here is the slideshare link!

Have you found similar inspiration in Burdick’s pictures? Let me know in the comments below! I would love to read some more stories!